I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
