rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize