someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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