OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
