I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
