i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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