my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
