Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
