Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
3 2 1 whiskey
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
