Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize