Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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