I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
