u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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