Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
