Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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