genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
