Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
