I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
