Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
