rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Walk of Shame today included voting.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
