paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
