We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
