she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
