How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
