Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i drank out of a bidet.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
