Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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