Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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