Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
