Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
