Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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