im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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