the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You're like the curious george of whores
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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