So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
