The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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