come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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