I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
