Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
how do flat chested girls get laid?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I am mentally ready for anal.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
