then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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