i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
