You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize