She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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