What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
