My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Randomize
