my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
