I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
