wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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