i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
