i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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