Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
