I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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