that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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