i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Randomize
