508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
