Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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