I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
